Last week, I met a new friend for lunch. We didn’t know much about each other going in, so we hovered around those “What do you do?” type questions. That can sometimes lead to predictable, shallow conversation, but not this time. When I asked Kurt what he loves about his work, he gave me an answer I’d never gotten before.
“I love to get in the process with my clients and friends. If you’re looking for someone to hang out with on the red carpet, I’m probably not your guy. I like being in the foxhole with you, fighting for you, helping you get where you’re going.”
Excuse me? Would you repeat that, please? Did you just say you want to help me? You wanna fight to get me where I’m going and you’re not concerned with where I can carry you? Nice to meet you, new friend for life!
I left our time together encouraged and inspired by Kurt’s point of view, but I was also…confused. His words felt so foreign to me that they felt wrong somehow. I even noticed myself questioning whether or not he could truly mean what he was saying. And over the last week, as I’ve chased down what that’s about, I realized something I wouldn’t have thought to be true of me.
Somewhere along the road, in a small, dark corner of my mind, I began to believe I’m on my own. People will help when it’s convenient and easy, but you can’t expect them to go out of their way for you. As long as you’re headed for the red carpet, the friendship is true. But when you’re in a ditch with nothing to offer but your need, people will move on. You’re on your own.
I want to delete that last paragraph. I loathe every word and I don’t actually believe it’s true. But I’ll admit that I found traces of those lies swirling around in my head and heart. I wondered if you might find them in yours too.
Do you feel overwhelmed by the weight of your responsibility?
Do you lower your expectations, so you won’t be disappointed?
Do you find it hard to ask for help or accept it when it’s offered?
Do you think you have to do everything yourself or it won’t be done right?
Do you feel alone?
My friends – really take this in. Answering yes to any of those questions is a solid plan for not getting where we’re meant to be. Our purpose, productivity, our happiness and fulfillment are intricately intertwined with our need for others. Our weakness is by design.
We were created for community.
If you make yourself an island or a one man show, you tie your hands.
The fullness of your potential can only be reached by locking arms with others.
So surround yourself with people who see something beautiful in you,
And dream big dreams for you,
People who will fight to see them come to pass,
And won’t give up on you until they do.
That’s the only way to get where you’re going.
This post comes with some homework for each of us.
This week, let’s do things a little bit more like Kurt.
Let’s get in each others’ process.
Let’s get in the foxhole with somebody and help them fight their way out.
Let’s usher someone to the red carpet – no strings attached.
And when it’s offered to us, self sufficient as we’d like to be,
Let’s accept help as easily as we’d offer it.
Imagine what could happen if each person reading this made that their mission.
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I was looking for a website on 21 Days of Gratitude and it led me to you – not by chance I’m sure :-)) – I have just been reading a few of the related posts and I am simply blown away how it resonates with me right now – as they say – there are no accidents – everything happens for a reason. You talked about your “intentions” – do you have a post on setting intentions or anything related? I want to set intentions in my life – not sure how. And thank you for this great work you have created.
So great to meet you, Rosemarie! I’m with you – there are no accidents. Thank you for taking time to mull through the words of a stranger. I’m so glad you found something that served you. Makes it worth it to me.
Indirectly speaking, I would say my entire blog is about living with intention. Whether it be with our family, who we love, how we serve, our careers and on, my underlying goal is to wake us up from our ruts and to live braver lives. Can you tell me what part of your life you’d most like to apply more intention? That would help me narrow the field for you.
Overall, I would say this. There are lot of people out there telling us that we can be, do, have and give more. I couldn’t agree more. There’s more to us than many of us dare to even dream. But I cannot make myself believe we get it automatically, just because we’re to have or do it. Nor do we get it by intentionality. If I accomplished everything I intended to or even focused hard on, I’d be a rich and even happier man. We take hold of our best by DOING. An object in motion stays in motion. An object at rest stays at rest. The smallest bit of action is worth more than our greatest intentions. I’ve absolutely learned that the hard way.
So my goal with this blog, my writing and my life is to help us take the small steps that will get us where we’re meant to be. We’re all looking for some grand moment, but I’m convinced it’s the small ones that get us there. Would love to discuss this further. Let me know where you’re focusing.
Nice to meet you. I hope you check back in. Or even better, subscribe and I’ll send them to you directly. :)
Hi Chance….I just chanced upon your website (I’m sure I’m not the first one to say that!) and read this post and resonated with it. I so agree that we mainly condition ourselves to stay guarded and suspicious of one another rather than wide open and giving. You provide a great example of how refreshing the process of reciprocity is (that’s one of my new favorite words!) and how when we learned to work together in cooperation we ALL benefit. Please let me know if there is something I can do that might benefit you and the work you are doing in the world. ~Kathy
I love this comment for so many reasons. First, I’m happy you ‘chanced’ upon my site. If you remember how, I’d love to know say I can say thanks. But either way, I’m thankful. Secondly, I like your tone. I can tell we’d be fast friends. :) You like the word reciprocity – which probably means you also like the word “exponential”. They go hand in hand. A friend of mine who runs an incredibly successful worldwide company swears that 1+1 does not = 2. He says that when we add what I bring and to what you bring, together we accomplish more than if we added what you and I’d bring on our own. I see it proven over and over in his business. Progress is exponential when we do things together. It’s another reason I’m passionate for us all to make this a priority. Lastly, thank you for your kind offer. I won’t turn it down – I know better. :) Since I don’t have your last name, find me on Twitter and Facebook. Let’s get to know each other and see how we could help each other! Checking out your site right now. :)
Nice to meet you!
Hi again Chance! Yes, I love the word exponential too :-) It is always so exciting to see what comes out when people just throw everything into the pot and wait to see what comes out. In case you can’t tell, I do believe in miracles! Oh, my last name is Gottberg…but I’m thinking of changing it to SMART Living 365 because I use that name so much! I’ve already found you on Twitter and FB and look forward to other ways to connect. Just let me know….
I can relate how you feel with this particular paragraph, Chance. I recognized myself in it more than I`d like to admit. It seems often in my corner of life, that its exactly like that. I`m not really comfortable with asking others for help, but I love with my whole heart to help others on the way, not expecting anything back at all, just being happy that I could be a blessing where it was needed. Unfortunately it happens to me very rarely, but when it does, when someone offers to help me on my journey with the same conditions I offer someone else, I`m all the more totally surprised. You gave me something to think about the next days, thank you for being a help. :)
Thanks for wrestling through it with me, Marie. :) In the end, it comes down to loving being the one who rescues and not liking needing to be rescued. Tough stuff to weed out, but it’s we’re better when it’s gone. Thanks for commenting. Great to talk to you again!
Thank you Chance for this post
Your question makes me want to ask you, “how can I help you succeed? What obstacles do you face that I can help you overcome? Are you apart of a mastermind group?”
I’m not in an official mastermind group, but I am very intentional about surrounding myself with people who are smarter than me and I have a couple of friends I share everything with and we strategize our lives together.
But I’m always up for great input. If something strikes you – if you can find a way to press fast forward through the hard parts, what are you doing?! Speak up! :)
In the meantime, if you want to help me, read my posts, say smart things for this community to hear and share any post that resonates in you with your friends.
Or buy me a beach house…either one. ;)
Great post Chance! You always give us all something to think about. People like Kurt have a great mission to teach others how to be selfless while helping others. They are like the wind beneath one’s wings. Bette Midler’s song came to my mind while I was reading the post. :) The first time of this homework will be pretty easy as I’m the one who always helps everyone but rarely asks for help. I just don’t like bothering people with my problems. My low self-esteem shows in the last sentence, i know. :)
It’s tougher being in Russia. The culture has you climbing a tall hill – but it’s yours to climb and I know you can do it. I’ve seen it in you in your comments. :)
btw, I got your link to your song! Great, great job! :) Thank you for sharing it with me. What an honor to have inspired it, in part. I really enjoyed it.
Thank you so much, Chance! It means a lot coming from you!
Loved the new post Chance! Thanks for encouraging us the way you do (-: Rick
CUA! Thanks, my friend. Means a lot to me that you take the time to read my posts. Glad you liked it. :)
One more thing…I often wonder why we are so quick to help someone else but not ourselves????
Once again…you’ve done it….you’ve touched life. I’m a genuine Kurt. I help people with there process. In fact, when things get down for me I find myself helping others even more. It’s like if I’m feeling low energy; I lift myself back up by making someone else’s day. It pays to be a Kurt, because you become more selfless and with that you have open arms to all ideas and not your own. I need to stop lowering myself to avoid disappointment. One thing I can say is I always ask for help;and, accept ideas. At one point I felt it was a one way street;but, after meeting you Chance and reading your inspirational articles, I now know I’m not alone and for that my friend you ARE a Kurt. We all will revisit what we should be doing after this article. It’s like the Art Gallery we need to find our layers and what makes them shine.
In the end….
Advice is another way of realizing what we already know…
Good stuff.
Kind of an extension of ‘The Golden Rule’. The flip side of doing unto others, is letting them do unto us. Individualism (pride?) often gets in the way of that.
I may know your new friend, if it is the same Kurt. He sounds like my friend. I want to be like him and sometimes I am. That may be why we became friends. I have come to know about aloneness, even in a crowd. I have learned about how to remove it too. Kurt’s fox holes are my ditches. I am a tow truck driver for relationships. So, if you, or someone else, is stuck, I am willing to come and help you back onto the pavement. Then we decide together what you need next to get moving again. You are so right about people needing each other. It is usually a crisis that finally gets us to a place to realize it. But that is ok, at least is happens then!
This came to light for me this past year when I truly wasn’t much good to anyone , and I was deeply humbled by some friends and particular family members that really were there for me like never before. I’ve never liked asking for help…I’d MUCH rather be the one helping and digging ditches….so, when I couldn’t do much for anyone, and others did MUCH for me, many times without my saying a word, it was humbling and truly life changing as to my attitude about just this sort of thing.
Thank you Chance, as always, for saying it all so beautifully. You are a love of a man!! <3