I had an interesting conversation with a friend the other day. He’s an uncommonly gifted singer. Even among great singers, he stands out. He can’t help it. He’s just awesome.
Not wanting to be perceived as having a big ego or trying to outshine anyone, he said he sometimes dumbs himself down in order to fit in with the average ability in the room. And when you give him a compliment, he likely won’t receive your words. They’ll come back to you like a boomerang, as if he’s ordinary, and somehow YOU are the amazing one.
I identify with that struggle. I think most of us who grew up in church, or in the South have it engrained in us that good hearted, polite people deflect compliments.
I like your shirt. (Oh this old thing?)
You’re so smart! (Not really – just lucky.)
You look beautiful! (Who are you looking at? I’m so fat right now!)
You have such a great voice. (Me? That means a lot coming from you! YOU have a great voice.)
Many of us have been taught that it’s wrong to consider ourselves as exceptional. How can something that’s fallen and imperfect be exceptional? That can’t be humble, right? Even worse, some have been labeled conceited and ego-driven simply because you confidently accept that you’re excellent at what you do.
Can we all just acknowledge how ridiculous that is? Where did we get the idea that being humble or meek requires a poor self-image, or pretending to be less than you are? We could do so much good if each of us would simply embrace that we’ve been granted a couple of incredible gifts, and respond by working really hard to make the most of them.
What good is it for us, or the people around us, to make our abilities less than they are? Why have we made it unsafe to be extraordinary?
As I see you growing, it awakens in me the possibilities of my own potential.
When I see you ‘owning’ your gift, it makes me want to discover and improve my own.
When I see you making the world better, it makes me consider how I might help.
When I see you advancing in success and fulfillment, it makes me want to work harder and become more than I am today.
So don’t dumb yourself down for me! I don’t want you to be smaller – I want to be better.
Let’s celebrate the brilliance in one another – and in ourselves. We’re charged to make the most of what we’ve been given, and to do so for the benefit of others. That begins with facing the facts. You’re awesome! Admitting it removes your excuses… because if you’re awesome, you’ve got something to share.
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Love this!
Thanks for commenting!
That is exactly what has happened to me in this community of musicians here in Texas. I met people who were proud of what they did and how they did it…and yet somehow still humble. But they said…YOU ARE AWESOME at what you do too…just keep working at it. And though I had to see myself through their eyes for a long time, I am finally realizing that I do have a gift and it is my gift to share or squander at whichever level I choose. I am finding that gratitude attached to gifts is what produces genuine, CONFIDENCE LACED humility. And you are so right, because them using their gifts inspired me to use mine and now I have students that I get to do the same thing for on a daily basis. So cyclical….
MISS YOUR FACE AND YOUR HAIR, SIR CHANCE! :)
Confidence laced humility… I really like that. Miss your face too, Shellee. My hair does too. :) Thanks for commenting!
I also think that it's interesting how we are taught (or socialized) in the Church to give all the glory to God after we sing. As if we could "steal his glory". This is the most annoying of all the compliment deflects if you ask me.
"Hey, you sounded amazing today!" —
"Oh, well, you know, that wasn't me. That was aaaaaaaaall God."
We get it, we get it, you're smaller, He's bigger, yada yada, JUST SAY THANK YOU OR I WILL NEVER COMPLIMENT YOU AGAIN! Sorry, the jaded preacher's son is coming out. It always sounded like some passive-aggressive correction to me, though. It was as if I had to be told Who was responsible for that gift, and I needed to tell God that He did a great job. I was the best (worst) at this. I was like some compliment deflecting ninja who could make you feel bad about congratulating me. The funny thing is, if we truly believe that God created us and is using us as a vessel, then complimenting someone IS complimenting God. I don't think He feels left out if we call his creation awesome. I don't think He's nearly as insecure as we are.
Great post Chance!
Thanks, Ryan. Very strong point.
excellent words Chance…so encouraging and affirming.
Thanks. :)
Great post, Chance! When my family and I lived in New Zealand and Australia, we were introduced to a social phenomenon called the Tall Poppy Syndrome…
Tall poppy syndrome (TPS) is a pejorative term primarily used in the UK, Canada, Australia, New Zealand and other Anglosphere nations to describe a social phenomenon in which people of genuine merit are resented, attacked, cut down, or criticised because their talents or achievements elevate them above or distinguish them from their peers.
I believe the "dumb-my-self-down" tendency permeates not only churches, but society as well. Being raised in Church in the South, I came to understand it as humility. I now believe it is false-humility.
I’ve never heard of TPS. Very interesting.
You're awesome, Chance. Now accept it and say "thank you". =)
Thank you. :) You too.
I always tell the person receiving a compliment from me that they totally just dissed me by twisting that compliment into something unusable …I mean I took the time and energy to give u a compliment, you should receive it the way it was intended….
Agreed.
I'm an awesome Bawg Chawken!!!!!
Yessir! I AM awesome (I know how to comment on blog posts)!
Ooh! You are comin for me!!!
HAA HAA!!! YES – I – AM!!!! :)
So true! We do that. I have heard those dumbed down responses all of my life and I also respond that way. It's the same with receiving love. It took years of my husband telling me he loved me and he thought I was beautiful before it finally hit me that by responding the way I did, I was keeping myself from receiving what he was trying to give me. I needed to love myself to be able to really love others. So even though it's still a struggle, I've learned to say thank you and take in the gift of words that is being given to me. Thanks for the awesome post, Mr. Awesome!
I understand you – it absolutely DOES spill over into other important parts of our lives. It’s such a sneaky little habit. It’s more destructive than we give it credit for.
I'M AWESOME!!!!! ;-)
(Nice post! So glad Anita tweeted it!)
Heck yes you are! :) I’m glad she tweeted it too. I love Anita Renfroe – what a great woman.
Brilliant! Well said, Chance!
Thanks, Ernie. I appreciate you taking the time to read it.
Very uplifting reminder for me and many I'm sure. I have so much enjoyed reading your posts…you are and always have been awesome to me!!
Thanks, Angela. :) I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
My son is having trouble accepting any compliments. His self esteem is very low. He is working with a counselor right now and he pointed out also that when you don't accept something that someone gives you, you are discounting the thought and effort they put into expressing it. I had never thought of it that way, neither had my son. He is thinking about that more and it is making a difference!
Very good perspective… will probably help him a lot. What a great lesson to learn so young.
Excellent perspective and well said. Walking the tightrope of grace is difficult to master – being neither vain nor self-debasing -but your points about influencing others by the example we set are wonderful. Thank you for writing this.
Thanks for saying so – and thanks for reading!! :)
Chance, I found this so encouraging and incredibly brave to write about. I am inspired by it. Good words! Awesome:-)
Wow. I’m thankful I could return a small portion of the inspiration you’ve given to me. Brave… I totally hear you. I was slightly nervous to post. I thought there might be a backlash, but people seemed to get where I was coming from.
I’m really enjoying your blog! I think the part I love the most is how you see success in someone and instead of resenting it, you are challenged by it. That’s not always the case. Sometimes people deflect compliments because if they are good at something they will be avoided by the insecure around them. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard someone say they couldn’t be friends with someone because they felt like a failure around them. This is simply because the success threatened them. It’s sad and such a loss. I personally want to be around people of vision. It keeps me working to reach my goals. I love the energy of people with ambition.
Thanks, Kim! :) You are RIGHT! I almost wrote about that – I’ve seen it too. Another entry, though.
You ARE awesome. This is great, Chance, and so true. I'm so happy you're blogging. I'm proud of you!
Thanks so much, Mary. Your support means a lot to me. Thank you for taking the time to read it… and for commenting!! :)
So true Chance! Thanks for reminding us that we are AWESOME!
Janet
Thank YOU for reading! :)
What a wonderful way to start the day…reading your awesome words!! It has taken me most of my life
to realize that when a compliment is given it is ok to accept it with grace and just saying "thank you" says it all.
Thank you Chance for sharing your thoughts through your incredible writings.
Aww, sweet words.
I LOVE this post. The forcing of humility is not just a Southern church thing, it was shoved down my throat in my Upstate NY churches so hard that I actually hated myself for most of my life. To this day I struggle with how to act graciously when complimented instead of immediately self-deprecating or deflecting. But I’ve recently come to accept that I don’t suck.
To quote Aibileen from “The Help”…”I is kind…I is smart…I is important.” AND awesome!
Yep. I understand. I think women struggle with this more than they even know.
”I is kind…I is smart…I is important.” AND awesome!
Love it! :)