My wife, Jennifer, and I recently spent a few days at a cabin in Mt Hermon, CA. It was a simple house in a simple town – not a ton to do, which was perfect for us. Meandering after lunch one day, we happened into a thrift store and as we were checking out, the clerk noticed the man behind us. He was holding just two small paperback books and a dollar in his hand.
She smiled and said, “Sir, I’d like to get those for you. You can go ahead. My treat.” The man looked at her surprised and replied, “I’ll pay you for them.” Again, she smiled and said, “No, I’m saying they’re yours. It’s only fifty cents; I’m happy to pay it.”
The man paused, considering her offer. He shocked me when he replied, “Let me at least give you the change I have.” Scrounging through his pockets, he came up with twenty-three cents and some lint. He placed it on the counter and walked out, unable to look her in the eyes.
It struck me as so strange… If he’d refused her altogether, I’d have known he thought she was a kook. But the fact that he felt compelled to pay something says he was just uncomfortable accepting her gift.
It seemed ridiculous. For a measly twenty-three cents, he robbed himself of her kindness. Not only that, he robbed her of the joy of giving it. How sad, I thought… to let his pride get in the way over something so small.
And then it hit me… I’m that guy. That’s me.
I’ve let my pride get in the way of receiving someone’s kindness.
I’ve questioned the giver’s intentions.
I’ve stolen the blessing.
I’ve offered up less than my debt, as if it was payment enough for what I’d taken.
I’ve refused the gift.
Ugh! Why do we do that? Why do we pretend to have it all together, like we can handle everything on our own? When did we decide we should give and give, but receiving expresses weakness?
Most importantly, what do we forfeit when we don’t accept the gift?
If he’d accepted the clerk’s offer, maybe the man would have left the store wanting to pay it forward. Maybe the clerk would have been encouraged to help someone else. But instead, he left with a wall up, and she was deflated. I can’t help but wonder what they missed out on that day.
As for you and me –
- What if we greeted each day believing – even knowing – that there are specific gifts waiting for us to discover?
- What if we lived our lives as a daily treasure hunt, searching for ways to both give and receive?
- What might we set in motion in peoples’ lives by our words, time, experience and willingness to help?
- What good could be done for us by theirs?
- What if our futures are somehow propelled not only by what we give, but by what we’re willing to receive?
Let’s not miss one thing more!
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When my husband was deployed for several months over 20 years ago, I was the “I can do it myself” kind of person. I was strong and determined to show everyone that God and I could handle whatever life sent my way. At the time we had 3 daughters–the oldest was in kindergarten. I did fine for awhile and I was proud of myself. God and I were a good team. And then a horrible flu hit 3 of us HARD. I called my best friend across town whom we’d spent the previous day with, and she had the flu as well. Not knowing what else to do, I called my mom who lived many hours and several states away. Being such a wise woman, she called the secretary of my church who immediately rallied the troops. Before I knew it, someone had come over to stay with those of us who were sick, and someone else took the one daughter who was just fine so she could be away from us and stay healthy. I was humbled and learned from that experience that by accepting help from others, you’re blessing them as much (if not more) than they’re blessing you. And for the remainder of my husband’s deployment, I gratefully accepted babysitting, meals, moral support, etc whenever offered. In the 20+ years since, I’ve worked hard at “paying it forward” and love to show with my actions the lesson I learned so well. God and I are STILL a good team, but now I let Him take the lead. As a result, I’ve become a surrogate “mom” to so many young women who are just starting out on their journey as military wives/mothers.
I really love this insight. Having seen this issue from both sides, you ‘get it’. Life has humbled me a few times as well, in such ways that there was no other option for me but to accept help… to even seek it out. Ugh… terrible for my ego – but one of the greatest lessons I’ve ever learned. It’s about more than the need that’s being met… It’s about what the heart learns.
THANKS for sharing your story. I’ll carry it with me as I go.
I am just now reading this because I’ve been sorta bombarded lately and then had a little physical setback for a few days. I always enjoy your posts Chance and this one was very ‘spot on’ for me as well. I LOVE giving, I love bringing joy to people, it is a feel good thing for sure. I have a real problem with receiving and we’ve had to do a lot of receiving these past few years. Somehow there is a feeling of shame that goes with it, as if somehow we got ourselves into this predictament and should be able to get out of it by our own steam.
Our grown children, each of them and their spouses, my brothers and their wives, and a dear friend have been so incredibly kind and generous with their time and resources….we could not have made it (at least not in one piece) without them. It is humbling but enlightening all at the same time.
We are so grateful and thankful. It is quite a life lesson! Thank you for posting this.
Somehow there is a feeling of shame that goes with it, as if somehow we got ourselves into this predictament and should be able to get out of it by our own steam…
Dee, I think you expressed our whole problem in one sentence. I don’t know one person who wouldn’t at least struggle with those thoughts as well. I’ll tell you something… Losing my parents taught me something I’m not sure I could have learned any other way. It is seared into my heart at this point, forever. We cannot do this alone. We need more, and more often, than we care to admit – and life will eventually expose that to us.
We are not islands. NO ONE can make it alone. And those who try miss the whole point.
Great post, Chance. Reminds me of a time when a friend of mine and I almost had a physical altercation in the middle of the street fighting over who was going to pay for lunch. FOOLISH!! I’m not as bad as I was those many years ago, but I definitely still have those tendencies. It’s amazing how going through times of real need can bring you to a point of treasuring these kind of gifts… both receiving and giving them.
What a hysterical story, Kevin. A street fight over lunch? Send your friend this link – I think he probably needs to read it too… assuming you guys are still friends after such nonsense. ;)
“It’s amazing how going through times of real need can bring you to a point of treasuring these kind of gifts… both receiving and giving them.” Yep – I agree. Genuine need unlocks something you wouldn’t have dreamed it would. I’ve passed through those waters as well, and I can honestly say I’ll ever be the same, and I wouldn’t take it back.
Ugh is right! I totally saw myself in this post. And thought of a million conversations that have gone something like this…
me: I really don’t know how I am going to get of this done this week. And manage to play with and be kind to my kids on top of it all.
friend: bring them over tomorrow afternoon. they can play with my kids, it will be perfect.
me: that’s really kind (having NO intention of taking her up on the offer)
friend: I’m serious. It’s no trouble.
me: Thank you. I’ll think about it. (I don’t think about it or even really consider it)
I have to wonder if I’d rather be miserable and almost kill myself to get through my checklist….than to accept help. Why do I do this???
And I’ve honestly never stopped to think about what I might be missing out on paying forward because of my choice. Great post. Thanks for sharing.
Tammy, GREAT THOUGHT! You gave a great example of what so many of us experience. My wife has had THE SAME conversation countless times. It’s a genuine problem…. I think we do this because our culture has trained us, especially women, that we have to do it all. Strange, though… If you think about what life was like even less than a hundred years ago, and ALLLLL of the generations before that, all over the entire globe, it was never that way. Raising kids was a group project – within families and stretching beyond families into the community. As a society, we’re on a strange and dangerous road. Let’s just not do it anymore.
“I have to wonder if I’d rather be miserable and almost kill myself to get through my checklist….than to accept help. ” You know the answer to this great question. And imagine what you’d have time for if you weren’t spinning 15 plates in the air at all times. You CAN’T dream if you have no time, energy, or space to do it. And then, when the fog clears and you can, you find that there’s no dream there anymore.
New day.
Several years ago, I was dealing with a personal situation that seemed insurmountable. A natural disaster had ruined my home, I had no insurance to cover the loss, and was without the means to be able to repair it. I have never been more scared, or felt more alone in my whole life.
A friend of mine wrote me a check to cover my mortgage, and insisted that I take it. I was totally overwhelmed and grateful. The next month, she did the same thing. Another mortgage payment. And that time, I literally could not take it to the bank. I reasoned that she really could not afford to do something so generous; that there were other things she should do with her money. I decided that she must feel pressured to make it all better for me, and then I felt guilty for sharing my fears with her. And so the check sat on my desk for weeks. And months.
Once a few months had passed, I had a light bulb moment one day where I realized that what I thought was concern for my friend was actually just my pride. And for me, it was about control too. I was okay with the help, as long as it came in a way that was acceptable to me. And, so long as it wasn’t “too” much. This comment is already too long….so I’ll spare all the other lessons that came out of this realization.
I still have that check sitting on my desk. I let it serve as a reminder to me that help was sent my way and I chose not to allow it to be a blessing in my life. I hope to not make that mistake again. Thanks for this post….great reminder!
I LOVE THIS EXAMPLE, JAYNE. I LOVE IT! And I really love this paragraph.
Once a few months had passed, I had a light bulb moment one day where I realized that what I thought was concern for my friend was actually just my pride. And for me, it was about control too. I was okay with the help, as long as it came in a way that was acceptable to me. And, so long as it wasn’t “too” much. This comment is already too long….so I’ll spare all the other lessons that came out of this realization.
It’s so stinkin’ true. We want control… but how in the world are we fooling ourselves into thinking we EVER had control. If you had control, that disaster would never have happened, right? We have such a problem accepting our frailty and our need… And I’m learning – at least for me – it’s held me back… in ways I can name, and in ways I’ll probably never even know.
THANKS for taking the time to comment! Great insight!
I learned this lesson once. It’s good when it takes just once to learn an important lesson. My 59 yr. old father-in-law had suddenly died and after a week in Tampa with my husband’s family, Marty, I and our three very little girls returned home. Kim was a thoughtful, giving friend. She stood in my front yard and lovingly expressed her desire to bring us a meal. I argued with her…oh gee thanks, but we’re fine, really. I didn’t just give birth and have another c-section or anything like that. Back and forth we kindly argued. And then Kim said, “Jill! Don’t steal my joy of giving!” Light bulb moment. A veil lifter. I got it in that comment. I agreed to let her bring a home cooked meal. And she did. The meal was a comfort and Kim’s joy was comforting. I gave her the opportunity to experience the joy of giving…and she gave me the opportunity to experience the joy of receiving. Lesson learned. So now, I always say yes. And when I am given an “oh gee, thanks, but you don’t need to do that” as an answer when I offer a kindness…I always tell this story.
I love this, and I’d venture to say that that exchange between you and Kim gave you a new sensitivity to other people. I’m guessing you’ve stepped up to help in ways and with a heart that you probably wouldn’t have had Kim not served you that day. THAT’S what I’m talking about. It changed you for the better, and it moved you to serve in a way you wouldn’t have otherwise. That’s why I’m so sure we’re missing out on something when we say no.
I have been on the receiving end of late. And although it feels WEIRD, I feel like I’m learning something in the process. To graciously accept & acknowledge is difficult to do with all those pesky inner thoughts, but I’m finding such a beauty in others as I do. It encourages me to pay it forward, and I look forward to the day that I am able.
I love every word of this comment. Beautifully written and felt. And here’s the thing I know – – – Someone who can express what you expressed IS paying it forward even now, even as you need.
Chance, I accept this lovely gift with an “open heart”. You have an awesome gift of writing and expressing yourself. I truly appreciate the opportunity you have given to all of us to reflect, ponder over our purpose in life. Also, ways we could help others, ourselves to be a better, perhaps a happier person. I must admit, I’m so excited to see an email from you. I’m thinking, “What has Chance sent to us to ponder?” You have definately found your calling!
WOW, Brenda! Thank you for these lovely words. I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to write.
Words to think about. Thanks Chance for giving us the opportunity to examine ourselves especially on a day of giving and receiving gifts.
Thanks so much for reading, Diana!! :)
This is so good! Receiving is always so much harder than giving because it involves humility. Thanks for the reminder today and such a great visual!
Thank YOU, Debi. :)
How true! Taking has always been much harder than giving for me. I have never wanted anyone to think I could not provide (whatever they are offering) for myself. And yet the greatest joy in life is when you give a heartfelt gift and it is received graciously. I have felt that. It gives you a sense of worth and purpose. I have also received unexpected gifts that have lightened my load and brightened my day. I think it is because bundled in the giving the receiving is an act of love shared between the two participants. You have given me another profound thought to ponder, Chance.
You said it perfectly… “I have never wanted anyone to think I could not provide (whatever they are offering) for myself.” This is the thing we ALL struggle with, but it’s just not worth it. It costs both sides far too much, in ways we can see and in ways we can’t, to not just graciously accept a kind gesture. THANKS for sharing your thoughts.
First let me say I love the picture you chose for the day and the piece. Speaks volumes.
I find it easier to give than receive…as do most. Why is that? There is something about being the giver that feels empowering…don’t you think? Does that mean we feel “less than” when we are the receiver? That would be a shame. You’re right Chance…to accept another’s kindness is a gracious act and in the exchange we are all blessed.
So take me to lunch…I’ll let you pay. ;-)
I absolutely agree. I think it’s even harder for those who are in the spotlight or have amassed great wisdom or fortune. Those people not only struggle internally with their ego, but also have to deal with other peoples’ assumptions and misperceptions that that would rarely have reason to ‘need’… Who helps the person everyone runs to for help?
So take me to lunch…I’ll let you pay. ;-) SERIOUSLY? DONE!! You name it – I’m there.
Thanks for another timely post…and again for sharing your insights. I look forward to Music Mondays (Twitter) , Friday Follow (Twitter) and Chance’s Timely Tuesdays! Im gonna start using #TT with your posts! ;) …seriously though, I truly appreciate your words each week…you cut straight to IT. x
Thanks, Jude. For everything.
That is so true that we often don’t let ourselves to receive what is kindly given to us with just a smile and the feeling of gratitude. Seems like people act like that everywhere in the world. So I guess we should try to get rid of that false pride. It feels so good to give, and it’s so selfish to rob other people of that amazing feeling.
I KNOW, right?? Just smile, say thank you, and receive with a grateful heart, open to what else it might inspire in you and in others… to give AND to receive.
Loved this. Several years ago my pastor (1st Bapt. Powder Springs) preached a sermon titled “Why Don’t You Let God Bless You More?” It was the same message you just wrote about ~ not only have we robbed ourselves of a blessing, we’ve robbed the giver of using their gifts. Obviously, I’ve never forgotten it and yes, like you, I sometimes struggle with letting people do or buy things for me, but that message immediately comes to mind and I simply say thank you and pray that God will allow me to be a blessing to someone….and He always does :)
THANKS so much for sharing your story… Glad to know that message has stuck with you all this time. Hopefully, this message will stick with someone similarly. :)