I admit it. I’m a high maintenance salad orderer. Three or four times a week, I have lunch at the same place and order their Simply Salad. But by the time I’m done with it, it’s not so simple. “I’ll have the half Simply, add chicken, no tomatoes, cheddar or croutons. Add feta, grapes and cranberries. In a big bowl, not the small one. Dry tossed with the dressing on the side, please.”
Obnoxious, yes – but delicious.
Chance initially stood out to me because we share a name, but I soon learned there’s more to him than a common cashier. By the third time he took my order, he’d memorized it. Now he just says, “You’ll have the regular?”. It makes me wonder how many other orders he’s committed to memory. He always strikes me as smart, likeable, helpful and efficient, which is a rare combination to find in a twenty something working for about minimum wage.
He seems out of place behind that counter, like he’s bigger than the job he’s doing. And I’ve wondered to myself why someone hasn’t seen what I see and hired him on the spot.
Last week, making small talk as he took my order, I asked him if there’s anything great he’s looking forward to this year. He didn’t hesitate. His face lit up and smiling, he said, “I start school next week.”
“Really?”, I said. “That’s great! Where are you going? What are you studying?”
“Just community college…” His countenance began to change and his eyes drifted off to the side. “I’ve got a lot of core classes to make up.” The smile was gone now and he paused before he continued. “I didn’t take high school very seriously. I was in a bad place back then.” He got quiet as he took my money. I could tell he was having a conversation with himself, and I didn’t like what he might be saying.
He’d just been so excited. But now, he was tied up inside, focused on his past mistakes. I was surprised. I’d never noticed a lack of confidence or disappointment in him. I was about to walk away, but had to stop. I felt compelled to interrupt the ugly lie playing in his head. Turning back to him I said, “Can I tell you something?”
“Sure.”
“Buddy, I didn’t know you in high school. I only see who you are and what you do today. And the guy standing in front of me is exceptional. Whatever mistakes you made back then… Whoever you were back then… You’re not that guy anymore.”
They were simple words, but they seemed to come at the right time for him. He stood there stunned for a second, taking it in, trying to accept a thought he hadn’t truly considered for himself. And as he handed me my change, he looked me in the eyes and said, “Thank you. I really appreciate you saying that. I needed to hear it.”
I walked away half happy and half sad. And in the days since, that conversation has got me thinking…
Why are we so brutal with ourselves?
Why do we nurse old failures like a wounded friend?
Why can we offer grace to a stranger, but not to ourselves?
Why do we replay our mistakes over and over in our minds – tolerating, even embracing the lies that form?
Can we even see the progress we’ve made, or are we so fixated on our shortcomings that we’re blind to it?
As the parent of young children, I find myself trading in my kids about every month or so for the newer model that just appeared in front of me. They’re constantly changing, learning and improving. And we praise them at every turn, for every small step forward. We even celebrate their failures because they’re trying. We give kids a break. We delight in their evolution. We notice their progress.
But somewhere along the way, many of us stop doing that for ourselves. We don’t just forget…We convince ourselves that we’re the same as we’ve always been, and rob ourselves of the strides we’ve made from there to here.
What if you could meet yourself today for the very first time?
What if you could see yourself as others do, unencumbered by the memory of who you once were?
Yes, there’s a lot of road still ahead to where you’re going,
But take the time to notice the great distance between who you are today and who you once were.
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Always love how your posts embrace more than one dimension c: I must say in the dimension of the power of praise, this post gave me a wonderful idea for an exercise, that could help nourish the self-esteem of the adolescents at the facility I am working at.
I already ran it by my team and have been given the okay. And did I mention they were very impressed seeing as how it was only my second week there, woohoo! Anywho it is pretty basic and simple but yet it will cover those feelings (some deeply hidden) of importance and disappointment on so many different levels. So… thank you, thank you, and thank you!!!
The whole point of the exercise is to get them to see and understand a little better just how powerful they really are when handling their emotions. That every day when they wake up they have the capability (which God has blessed us all with) to make someone’s day! To me, that’s a pretty powerful feeling. So I can only imaging the miracles they can achieve when giving each other honest appreciation….mostly because it is what their hearts seem so hungry for. If they can understand they have the power to make someone else day, then they we’ll also learn they have the power to make their own day. If all goes well it will be practiced with other groups on a regular basis and it will be called “make my day.”
I remember five years ago when I found out what I thought was one of the truer realities of Christmas… may only manifest in a traditional Christmas song (lovers kissing passionately under mistletoe and chestnuts roasting on an open fire) I knew then I had come pretty far.
We all carry baggage from the past and need to let it go. I hope you were able to help him put it in the past once and for all.
And, reading this was a strange experience because I’ve watched you order that odd salad!
But, I’m not surprised you were the encourager.
Hi Chance, growing up in a family where compliments were forbidden, different culture and country, needless to say I was not a confident person at all. But it all changed when I met my husband, since my parents were divorced I decided early on that I would not get married since it’s going to end up in divorce anyway, my husband’s parents were also divorced but somehow he had a much better view of marriage. My husband sees everything with positive eyes, and everything that was negative to me about anything he made me see that it wasn’t. I can really say I was rescued by him, we have an amazing life together with amazing kids who we fill with compliments everyday and help them pursue their dreams. Next week it’s our 18th anniversary and I’m so happy I said “yes” and gave happiness a chance. It only takes ONE person to change somebody else’s life with words of encouragement. I think you help that kid Chance.
PS: I also went back to school after 20 years thanks to the encouraging words of my husband.
thank you for your post and for encouraging others.
Loved this. Living epistle stuff, and a “Chance’s Usual” sounds delicious.
Thanks, Sabrina! (Living Epistle…I like that.)
The post reminded me of how far I have come and how I should use that to bless others. I was a terrible high school student with very poor grades and now hold an MBA from an ivy league school, have succeeded in business and have taught in the local community college. I need to go out and encourage someone today!
First of all, yes you do! Today and everyday, with a story like that! Secondly, you just did. Your comment is here, and will be read many times in the future! I’d love to know more. If you care to give some more details, email me. Maybe I could write a blog about it in the future. :)
The name of your post caught my eye. In April 2012, I found my birth parents after a 32 year search. My adoptive father has always put me down…sometimes I don’t even breathe right. After meeting both of them and getting to know them, many of the pieces of myself have fallen into place…who I look like….who I act like…and finally seeing where so many of the traits that made me an outsider in my adoptive family have come from. Although my birth parents don’t know about my past, they have been amazingly accepting of both me and my children (also not accepted by my adoptive family because they’re biracial). They’re my biggest cheerleaders and I can finally do no wrong…it’s amazing what love can do for someone!!
I love this story. Wow. I have several close friends who are raising adopted children. When I think of the sacrifice required in adoption, it’s hard for me to imagine why someone would subsequently ‘break’ a child, putting them down or worse. I don’t understand the thinking.
Sometime – if you were willing and had time – I’d so appreciate you emailing me with some advice to parents of adopted kids, to help them navigate raising not just a child, but an adopted child. It would be valuable coming from an adult perspective like yours. I’d pass it on to these families, and maybe I could write a post about it in the future.
Chance, I was able to share this with my life skills class today. It was an excellent message that melded perfectly with the recent theme of our class. I hope they will bookmark your blog for future reads.
I’ve just started following your blog in the last few weeks, after reconnecting through other mutual Belmont classmates, and I’m very much enjoying your posts. Thought provoking, encouraging, challenging. Thanks for taking that step to write. You made a great decision and I encourage to keep doing it.
I love how you encouraged that guy. I’m thinking we should start a letter writing campaign of encouragement for him.
Moving post, Chance. So rich, so true. God is the God of the new. What’s passed, won’t last. At least it doesn’t need to. I thank God for using you!
Thanks, Cheryl. And thanks again for sharing it. :)
This made me think of my son, who went through a tough time and doesn’t seem to have forgiven himself. I’m going to share it with him. Thanks!
Please do! Truth be told, I’ll bet every single one of us is holding on to at least one regret it’s time to let go of.
I hope your son is able to release his SOON! :)
Thank u!
Thank U!
As a former teacher who taught 16 years in the classroom, I cried reading this article. When I got to the point where you said, “Buddy I didn’t know you in high school……” I felt tears well up in my eyes. I would tell my students that when they stepped into my class the slate was wiped clean. It was a start over…I would never read their records or ask what they did in the past. I would get to know them from now….not their past. YOU hit the nail on the head. You blessed him beyond belief. Your words were like water to his thirsty soul. Yep, this is one of my favorites Chance! Great job!
Tammy
That’s awesome, Tammy! If more teachers were like you, I think it would do a world of good. When people make assumptions about us, we spend all our effort trying to win them over, to prove we’re worthy. When we don’t get the response from them we crave, we start believing we’re helpless to change… or helpless to change anyone’s mind, even once we have.