Like most of you reading this, I fight to find enough time in the day to do everything I need to do. I’m self-employed and fill every role in my business from receptionist to CEO. I’ve got two young daughters who need every bit of attention I can give them – and a wife who deserves way more than she gets. I’m a good friend; I serve in my community and I’m someone who dreams of shaping the world beyond what I should wish or expect. Each role I play requires its own special time and attention. I need more hands – and more hours in the day.
Sound familiar? I thought it might.
Several months ago, I was feeling stretched thin. No matter how much time and effort I put in, I reached the end of most days feeling like I’d dropped the ball somewhere. If not in my work, with my family… If not with my family, in my work… If nowhere else, then with myself. The lack of balance in my life was demotivating. I found myself shutting down, unable to focus or follow through and tempted to settle for a smaller life – and a smaller me.
One night after the kids were in bed, I sat on the couch, trying to catch up on the day. Jennifer sat down next to me, took the computer from my hands and laid it aside. She looked me in the eyes and took a deep breath to speak. I didn’t know it at the time, but her words were about to change everything.
“How are you?”
I smiled, knowing where she was headed. “I’m good enough, babe. You don’t need to worry about me.”
“Too late.”
“It’s just a weird season. We’ve gotten through crazier times than this. I’ve just got to keep these plates spinning.”
She paused, considering my words – then said, “Is that true? …Do you really?”.
I felt my pride well up. “Well…if we want to eat – if we enjoy electricity – if I don’t want to let anyone down….I can’t just stop. What are you suggesting?”
She leaned in and put her hand on top of mine. “What if you let a plate or two fall? Would that be so awful?”
I remember feeling offended by the suggestion. All I heard her saying was I couldn’t handle the pressure. “C’mon, Jen…You know me. The last thing I am is a quitter.”
“I know, Chance…What I’m saying is, maybe you should quit…something. It’s not that you can’t do it all – but just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Who cares if all your plates are spinning? If you’re not happy, what’s the point?”
The truth of her words both stung me and brought me peace at the same time. And in that moment, I learned something I would have sworn I already knew. There’s no honor in how busy you are. And there’s no joy to be found beyond what you can do with your whole heart.
We sat in silence for a minute or two, considering the implications. “Okay…So what now?”
Jennifer took my computer and said, “Let’s make a list of every spinning plate in that head of yours.” For the next half hour, I listed anything and everything that was on my mind – important projects in progress, others I hadn’t even started yet, relationships I wanted to nurture, causes I wanted to serve, things I’d taken on because someone else wasn’t doing it, ideas I’d chase “someday”. If it took up bandwidth, we wrote it down.
When we were done, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Staring at me in black and white, it was so obvious. No wonder I felt overwhelmed. I’d set myself up for failure. I’d put the weight of the world squarely on my own shoulders. No one forced me to. No one would have even wanted me to.
With my list out of my mind and on paper, it became instantly hilarious that I’d thought I could pull it off. We laughed for a bit and that felt good. Then, looking back over the list, I said, “Well, obviously there’s not enough time for me to actually do all of this.”
Jen smiled and said, “There’s exactly enough time for what’s most important today.”
Dang, that woman’s hot.
The next day, with fresh eyes, I no longer saw the list as mine to accomplish. It was simply a list of choices I could potentially make. I sat down, pen in hand…and I began to quit.
I made 4 columns and labeled them “What’s Most Important”, “What’s Next”, “Maybe Someday” and “I Quit!”. Then, one by one, I filed each of my previous obligations in their rightful places. There were some obvious choices, of course, but many more subtle moments of clarity when I realized I’d have to let go of one thing (maybe even something great) to take hold of another.
It was profound and personal, forcing me to a new level of honesty with myself. At times, it was difficult – like when I came to a dream I’d avoided long enough to know that if it was going to happen, I’d have done it by now. I had to place it under “I Quit” along with the other distractions. But there were at least as many moments of excitement and intrigue, when I realized an idea or hope that had been floating in the back of mind was worthy of chasing to see where it would lead.
In the end, I’d identified everything from what will always remain most important to me – to what will never be important enough to actually pursue. I traded keeping all my options open for clarity, direction and focus on what matters most – a good trade if you ask me.
And that would have been enough to make it worth it. But the biggest benefit of all has come in the days since. Beyond a to-do list, I’ve found myself letting go of pressures I didn’t even know I was carrying – stuff that would never make it onto a list or schedule, but was still stealing my time, energy, thought and effort.
The pressure to be it all,
to do it all,
to know it all,
to have it all together,
to not let anyone down,
to meet the needs of everyone around me,
I quit it all.
And the funny thing is, quitting is exactly what freed me up to do what matters most, better than ever.
So how about you? How’s all that plate spinning working for you?
Are you feeling overwhelmed or just plain tired by what your life requires of you?
What if you weren’t stretched a mile wide and an inch deep?
How much more effective could you be with fewer plates in the air?
How much happier would you be?
Just because you can do it all doesn’t mean you should. Remember, there’s exactly enough time in each day for what’s most important.
Maybe it’s time to let some plates come crashing to the ground.
Maybe it’s time to quit.
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Excellent article, Chance! Many American families need this message!
A few years ago, I watched a friend that has a husband and kids overschedule her family. It seemed like the goal to was to do EVERYTHING with her family. Those poor kids went from activity to activity every night. It was non-stop. I felt for the kids. I couldn’t believe how many activities and clubs they were in. As a friend, she was never available even to grab a cup of coffee and visit. They were always on the run.
I learned so much from watching that situation. I realized one of our most valuable commodities is our time. I made a commitment to my family. We would not overschedule and overcommit. At the end of your life, you probably won’t say “I wish I did more activities.” It will probably be “I wish I would have spent more time with friends and family.”
We tightly control the things in which we commit. The world will abuse your time if you allow it. I’m not afraid to tell people “sorry, we can’t make it” if we don’t have time. We enjoy our time at home together relaxing as a family. When we go out for an activity, it’s special. It really boils down to quality of time and activity versus quantity.
Thank you again!
Yep. Me too.
:)
This was for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!! :)
O U C H !
The sting will go away and then you’ll love me. ;)
I struggle with the lesson all the time. Got more control over my life by quitting those things that did not mean the most to me and had become more draining than life-giving but old habits die hard … it’s hard to say “no” when asked to help out with worthy causes and hard to stick to doing only those things where I can do the most good while still maintaining balance. Thanks for putting such wonderful perspective to this issue.
I feel ya, Katherine. It’s not easy. For me, it has REALLY helped to keep a physical list working. I only allow the things that are most important today to make it onto that list. I’ve even started limiting the number of tasks that can be on that list at one time. Everything else HAS to wait in the wings until some space is made. Either that, or I take something off the list to make room. It has really put things in perspective for me – and I love not carrying it all around in my head.
Thanks for sharing this Chance. I can relate. I’ll personally gone through a similar journey the past several years. With balance comes peace. After all, we thinker-dreamer-doers can only do so much at a time, if we want any of it to be excellent. Or if at the least, worthy of feeling accomplishment. I too had to “quit” some things (and still do/will) to focus on the things that were most important to me and brought me the most happiness. In return, it’s making me a better husband, father, friend, co-worker, et al. Best to you and Jennifer!
Thanks for this post, Josh. I completely get you.
thinker-dreamer-doers…Tougher than it looks, huh? ;)
Chance, once again you have captured an amazing principle in the most eloquent way. What a great job of articulating the effect of becoming ineffective when allowing your strengths (hard worker, committed, servant/leader) to become a weakness. At the same time you were able to demonstrate how boldness and humility can work hand in hand and allow a husband and wife to be like “iron sharpening iron”… Phenominal work!
I’m sincere when I say that means a lot to me coming from you. You handle words so beautifully. It means something for mine to speak to you. Thank you for letting me know. :) Miss you…about time for another trip across the ocean, don’t you think?
That is a much needed post. Great reminder. I should maybe list out my spinning plates, as well. Thank you, Chance.
I highly suggest it. It has brought so much clarity and peace – and has helped me shed the guilt of not getting everything done that I dreamed, wished or planned.
THANKS for reading AND for commenting!
You are both vulnerable and honest enough to not grasp EGO, like most do to let go. Many see what you had as ego and would never in a life time let a wife or anyone else, loved or not, dare say that. I have more respect for you, your marriage and what you now have to say because of that. How many in ministry I know who are in that shape, totally ego driven. So appreciate and am sharing your thoughts and concepts with those I know.
That means a lot to me, Lilly. Thank you. One thing I know for sure. Confidence is something worth building, but my EGO has never gotten me anything good. I feel like one of life’s main purposes is to teach us that humility leads to everything worth having and becoming.
What a great post, thank you!
Thanks, Ingrid! I appreciate you taking the time to read. And thanks for the encouragement.
The best lesson – giving ourselves permission to “quit” and not have to do it all. No pressure, no guilt.
Yep. It’s a tough thing because I certainly don’t want to grow lax or lazy…But I DO want shed every ounce of guilt for not doing what isn’t most important for today. No pressure, no guilt!
Quitting rules!
For the first time in my life, I can agree with that statement! :)
Just what I needed to read as a vitally important REMINDER. Thanks for sharing your “AHA” moment … and oh, thanks to your wife.
You’re welcome. And thanks for reading and commenting. :)
You’re the best!!! SO thoughtful and kind. Thank you for another great post…and for living what you say and believe.
Mary Graham, you make me smile. Huge. Thank you for taking the time to encourage me. You are one of a kind…and kinder than you even think you are.
Smart man, smarter wife. Best of luck to you and yours.
I can’t disagree with you. Just please, let’s don’t tell Jennifer. ;)
Take it from an old plate-spinner, your wisdom is crucial to every single day. It’s a great word to all of us!
Thank you, Jetta. So nice to see your name pop up here. Thanks for reading. :)
Good call, Chance. Grateful your wife spoke up. I often bring it back to Jesus who knew how to pick and choose. Thanks for the reminder. I’m going to pray it through. Lord, help me to pick and choose–with you.
I’m grateful too. That woman is a keeper!! I’d love to hear how it settles with you in the days to come. :)
Dang Chance! The truth hurts…and feels good at the same time. Thanks for being faithful to keep writing. Now, onto page 2 of my list… :-)
Gotta share the love, David…AND the pain. ;) Thank YOU for reading – and for commenting. It’s what makes it worth it for me.
This is so insightful and really what I needed to read at this point of my life. I am about to add one more plate to the ones already spinning and I can’t get rid of the thought it will just bring me back to the place I don’t belong to anymore. So your brilliant post definitely gave me something to think about. Thank you so much Chance!
Thanks, Anna-Emily. I’m so glad to know it. Thank you for telling me.
This was a great reminder Chance. I did something similar to this many years ago and only had 4 columns with a total of 20 things listed. I was working 3/4 time, had 2 elementary age children, who went to school at a school in the next town over from where we lived and no school bus, taking piano lessons, singing in a women’s ensemble, etc. etc. etc.
I gave the list to my husband and it only took him 5 maybe 10 seconds to check the items he thought were important for me to keep. He only checked 5 of the 20 (to my total amazement – didn’t he understand how important all these things were and how I was needed for each one!!!) No discussion – just how he saw it. One of those 5 items was short termed as I was handling the wedding reception of a good friend and that would be over in a couple months.
I gladly, on some items, and reluctantly on others, went about making the adjustments to enable me to shorten the list. It was freeing and an eye opening lesson that God did not expect me to do all those things to fulfill my role of being a wife and a mother or even to be worthy of being His child.
Doing the list adjustments also helped to prepare me for the road that lay ahead where I would have had to give up many of the things anyway in order to deal with injuries and life changing decisions.
I am a list maker type of person and I make lists all the time. It helps me to begin to see what is important and what is not, again. It is amazing what I am able to accept that is not going to happen. There are still struggles and times when I have allowed myself to become overwhelmed with work and activities but then I regroup and refresh and let go.
Thank you again for the reminder and blessings to you and your family. PS – you have a pretty wise wife you know.
Yesss, I DO know. And if I somehow forgot, I’m sure she’d remind me. ;)
LOVE this story. Our spouses see it way before we do so many times. It’s not fair!
Whew! I was SURE you were gonna say you were quitting doing your blog. (I’m actually still not sure you’re NOT quitting this but I hope it made it onto at least the “What’s Most Important” or “What’s Next” list). :-) Great stuff Sir Chancelot.
As long as it’s connecting with people out there, there’s no way I’m quitting. But the title made you wanna read, so score. ;)
Thank you. Definitely needed to hear this. Time to make more time for what’s truly important.
I hear you, Joan. Joining you.
Chance, I agree with Kevin’s comment utterly and completely. You have put into words what I can only read and nod my head to while the words pierce my insides. I’m constantly amazed and shocked at how what I believe is the pursuit of good and worthy things quickly can become a complicated pile of mess that distracts from what is truly good.
Keep preaching it!
Dude…THIS is brilliant and true…
“I’m constantly amazed and shocked at how what I believe is the pursuit of good and worthy things quickly can become a complicated pile of mess that distracts from what is truly good.”
So true, isn’t it? Hard to find the balance – but it must be found!
Thanks so much for sharing here. I love your words.
I am but a nail and you, the mighty hammer, have hit me square on the head. Ouch!! Time for some soul-searching. Thanks Chance!
HA! Love it, my friend. Sorry for the pain. You’ll thank me later. ;)
What a wonderful wife you have to realize where you were, take the time to confront you, and encourage you to drop a few plates!
And how wise you are to listen.
But what a gift to write this experience for those of us who also feel this way to learn from your busyness.
And if you need to keep more of them spinning, well, all of us who call you a friend are willing to grab any of those plates for you…just say the word.
“It’s not so much how busy you are, but why you are busy. The bee is praised. The mosquito is swatted.”
~Mary Flannery O’Connor (1925-1964);
Writer
This is so strong, Chance. I, too, have found myself having to table a few things in this season… it’s hard when it’s all GOOD stuff! But necessary, too… I have found a resurgence of joy knowing I am stepping into what I know I am supposed to do. Thanks for posting this and sharing the weight of and search for greater balance – for all of us. You’re a brilliant encourager.
Chance! This is a great post… I called that moment “Corporate Downsizing Your Life” (which it seems I have to do periodically). The idea that to give up something you’ve committed to is a terrible sin. You’ve committed to all these things, obligated yourself (at least in YOUR head) and letting go is somehow letting everyone else down. But you’re right, of all the things you are juggling, they most definitely are all NOT co-equal. Just like an over-extended corporation you’ve got to make choices and some of those are harsh choices… but a healthier person able to do incredible things with what is reasonably left on your plate… anyways… a WOW post Chance. Loved it. I’ll be sharing it.