I was recently introduced to Carol through a mutual friend. I could immediately tell she was a person I’d really enjoy. I even got the sense I could learn a lot from her. She just had a way about her. Our friend did the normal introduction, saying something kind about both of us, and we followed the usual course of conversation. She said, “Hi Chance. So nice to meet you.” I replied, “Hi Carol. Great to meet you too! So… what do you do?”
And that was the fatal blow.
There were endless possibilities to the questions I could have asked in that moment, but without even thinking, as if following some predetermined script I asked, “What do you do?”
“Well, officially… nothing.”, she replied. I re-approached with an equally limiting question, and got a similar answer. Thankfully, our friend jumped in and bridged the gap, but the damage had been done. I left our conversation with a strange feeling I’d just met one of the smartest, kindest, most ‘special’ people I might ever know… but I’d wasted it.
My question didn’t allow Carol to show herself. It didn’t allow me to discover ‘her’. It seemed to just ask, “What is your job?’’ But is that the information I really wanted? No. I only care about her job if it’s somehow tied to her greatest reasons for getting up each day. What I really wanted to know was what about her is important to her.
Let’s learn this lesson once and for all.
We are not what we do! Where we work and how we make a living is just a sliver of who we are, and so often, it’s one of the least interesting parts of our experience. Even as I consider the people I know who have the coolest, most fulfilling jobs, I’d still venture to say that who they are is far more interesting than what they do.
It’s so easy to miss truly meeting one another when we’re introduced. Have you ever been overlooked by someone who didn’t make the time or effort to scratch beyond the surface? Heck yes, you have. And how often have you been guilty of the same mistake? What and who have you missed inviting into your life simply because you didn’t ask the right question?
Since our meeting, I’ve come to know that Carol is at the center of her community. She’s a leader and a gatherer. She loves well and pours herself out for others. At her core, she’s a helper, an advocate for others. In big and small ways, those who live life with her are made better by her input and friendship. Her influence has even changed some of their lives in profound ways.
Had I asked a better question that day, maybe I would have made a great new friend. So I’m losing the question, “What do you do?” I’m finding a better way to say, “Tell me something about you. What’s your passion? What’s in your heart?”
We are not what we do.
We’re not what we have, or where we live.
We aren’t who we know,
Or who knows us.
We are the thing at our core that we alone can name.
The reason our heart beats,
And beats again.
And again.
Hi, I’m Chance… What do you love?
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to judy: i have experienced similar. for 11 years i worked as the receptionist for a large law firm. loved the job. i met many interesting people and developed long lasting friendships during my time there. however, tell people this is your occupation and an ‘on-the-spot value assessment’ is often apparent. now, when asked: “what do you do?”
i simply reply: “as much as i can! whenever i can! and you?”
btw: my mother raised me to believe this was a question we should never ask.
A great blog post for sure…goes against the grain of what a culture of achievement for achievement’s sake deems important…learning to re-evaluate how I measure what is valuable about myself & others.
Thanks Chance, I LOVE this! I have worked for almost 12 years as either a receptionist or secretary and get the “just a secretary” look and vibe when I answer that question. I am now a church secretary so that’s a double whammy. I worked at a university once and a Dad with a very nervous freshman actually pointed to me and said to her “You HAVE to go to college or you’ll end up like HER.” It took every ounce of professionalism not to tell him I happen to hold 2 college degrees but decided not to go into that field (Sallie Mae still wants their money though!). All these years later that encounter still makes my blood boil. So, when people ask me what I do I usually say: “A lot, I do a lot. I’m a wife, mother of an active 5 year old boy, active in my church, love to work on plastic canvas & make wreaths and work part-time outside the home. What do you like to do?” :-)
“You HAVE to go to college or you’ll end up like HER.”
That sentence made my heart sink to my stomach. When I think about the few times in my life where someone said something that was ‘next level mean’, I must admit, the words can still hurt if I let them. They planted a seed I’ve gotta rip out. If that were my story, I’d still wanna wring that guy’s neck.
I find myself asking “What has to happen to a guy to make him that nasty and unaware… When I think about the condition of his heart, and how that venom likely shows up in other areas of his life, I actually start to pity the guy. How damaged he must be.
I understand your feelings, even after the years that have passed. I wanna wring the guy’s neck myself. So if there’s any part of you that still carries the hate of that statement (which would be normal, I think), shake it off. That statement says more about him than it ever said about you. And here’s the real deal… So often we pick up where an offender leaves off, and continue to wound ourselves recalling the words and events… and adding to them over time. Don’t let that jerk ever take a moment more of your time, thought or energy. He’s to be pitied or forgotten.
Exiting soapbox.
I love your answer… A lot. I do a lot! That’s great!
When people ask my wife, who is the center of everything going on in our growing family what she does, she says “Everything.” It’s not an exaggeration. Her fingerprints are all over everything our girls and I do. She makes the world go around – we’d be lost without her.
Thanks for your post!
Chance,
What a great blogpost! I’ve been totally unaware of the opportunities I’ve lost. I definitely want to come up with some great questions. I’ve heard Mike sometimes ask, “If you had a super-power what would it be?” Another one might be, “So, tell me where the bulk of your time is being spent these days?” Humm. Harder than it seems.
All I can say is that you’ve really got me thinking.
Thanks for the post.
I love this Chance! I was just thinking the other day about when I asked the same question of an old high school friend I hadn’t seen since then. It turns out he had been laid off and it was an awkward moment. I was wishing I had asked something else. You hit the nail on the head with what info I was really seeking with that question. Great blog!!
Thanks for reading and for your kind words… Lesson learned, and one that I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life.
I like this one. OK, I love reading your blog, even when it makes me cringe about all that’s undone in the dreams of my heart. You seem to ‘get’ that. One of the first questions I was asked when we were all scrambling to make friends on facebook a few years ago was from an old classmate I didn’t really know (we had mutual friends), was where did I work & why didn’t I have that on my profile. I was in a place where I was being viciously protective of my private life & keeping that separate from the job. I told him about as much – work & home are 2 different worlds. The truth is, I work in a basement with no windows punching numbers all day with a varying schedule. Woo-hoo. We may not know when we get to escape each day but it pays the bills. But is it what I do? Yes, for a little while. Is it who I am or what I reeeally do? No. I’m a photographer & a writer & an as-yet untapped artist (I swear there’s a painter in there somewhere). Turns out I’m also a ‘take-over-this-messed-up-plan’ event planner – who knew? Tho I’m rarely in the social setting of the question, I’ve learned over the years to answer who I am. Because who I am in my heart of dreams is the most honest I can be & what I do is just a means to get me there.
“I like this one. OK, I love reading your blog, even when it makes me cringe about all that’s undone in the dreams of my heart. You seem to ‘get’ that.”
Trust me, to write it, you’ve got to experience it. I feel your pain. ;) Thanks for reading, even when it hurts. ha!
…what I do is just a means to get me there.//YES!!!
LOVE it!! I HATE that question. I am a stay-at-home-Mom, as soon as you tell someone that they seem to think you have nothing else to contribute to the conversation/society and they QUICKLY move on. Why do people have to be that way? With my husband 6 months ago the answer would have been, “I Pastor a church”. Many times people reacted with PANIC….like they were all the sudden at the Judgement Seat of Christ, and they would have this spiritual experience they’d have to tell you about, they would totally completely change, which always made me sad because I knew that I’d would never truly get to know the person. We did our best to never tell what we did, then they were ALWAYS surprised that we were so normal.
I can imagine that was a TOUGH spot. People so often have skewed assumptions about anything regarding faith. Would be hard to encounter that every time you meet someone new.
“I am a stay-at-home-Mom, as soon as you tell someone that they seem to think you have nothing else to contribute to the conversation/society and they QUICKLY move on…”
I’m hearing lots of women who feel the same way. Lesson learned.
As a stay at home mom I can so relate to this post! I dread when people ask me what I do. I often leave the conversation feeling small or worthless and that is so far from I actually think I am. It’s hard to put a title on or explain what all I do. Thanks for this post today!!!
It’s hard to put a title on or explain what all I do.
My wife is also a stay at home mom, and when people ask her what she does, she says, “EVERYTHING.” :) Very true statement. She makes our world go around.
Great post again, Chance, and a lesson I will take to heart!
Although I work in a job that I absolutely love, it definitely does not define who I am. This time of the year, my yard or just being outdoors is what I love. I love to walk and take care of my vegetable garden and flowers and bird feeders and just love to work in the yard….mowing, raking….whatever! My sister lived with us for almost a year and when the first Spring-like days arrived, I was out in the yard every day when I got home from work. She said I looked like a kid with a new toy!!! There are lots of things I love, but since it is officially Spring, this is the first thing I thought of to share.
Thanks so much for the excellent reminder to really show an interest in a person as a whole rather than where they work!
Thanks for your comment! 2 things. 1 – I’m glad you love your job. So few people do. And 2 – I’ve got plenty of gardening that needs to be done. Come on over! ;)
ah! a lesson learned. one my mother taught me at an early age.
:)
I wish more people understood the simple truth that we are more than what we do. Where I live lots of people tend to judge others by their jobs. If your job is not one of those considered prestigious no one cares what kind of person you really are or what reasons you have to stick with that job.
I’ve been searching for a better way to start a conversation than ‘What do you do?’ for a while. Thank you for giving me an idea and food for thought tonight. Well, I guess lots of the questions we use to start a conversation should be forgotten. I remember the worst question I have ever been asked by someone who was intruduced to me was ‘How much do you earn?’. :)
It’s a sad commentary on the state of the world. We just gotta make sure we don’t get wrapped up in their mistake.
‘How much do you earn?’// WOW! ???
Yes, that such a weird question. :) It turned out some people like asking that question. Some of my former classmates that came out of nowhere asked me the very same question the other day. Maybe I don’t understand something and that’s a new cool way to start a conversation with a person you meet for the first time or haven’t seen for more than 10 years. :)
I love people! What makes your heart beat?
I have wondered often a better way to ask the “What do you do?” question as well. It just always falls short of what I really mean. THANK YOU for writing this blog. I loved how true and simply profound it was. Effective immediately, “Hi I’m Autumn…what do you love?”
THANK YOU for reading!! :) Means a lot to me – thanks for the encouragement.
This is a fabulous post! My friend shared this on facebook and your title caught my eye. Really think this is insightful. Thank you!
Nice to meet you, Kimberley! Glad it spoke to you. I hope you’ll come back again. :)
I love to sing! :) And hug my daughter. And to encourage others. Thanks again for all your words that encourage, Chance.
Smiling. :)
Great post Chance. Sometimes we’re not getting the right answers simply because we’re not asking the right questions.
Thanks, Eric. LOVING your blog!
http://beyondtherisk.com/
As with each week, your words serve as a terrific reminder, THANK YOU! I am headed to LA tomorrow w/a schedule full of meetings w/a variety of new people, lots of work and play. I am often so focused on my work, I overlook so many who may not in the moment contribute to what is then my focus. I KNOW I have missed out on so many wonderful people…not this week! Ive been working on BALANCE of EVERYTHING…so thank you for your TIMELY TUESDAY insights. Much LOVE. xo :)
Much love and thanks. Go get em in L.A.
I love waking up to your insights.
You’re awesome – thank you, Jim.