Jennifer and I are doing our best to pour good thinking into our children… not just good behavior, but good thinking. We want our girls to know that they’re not just ‘enough’. They’re amazing – and truly, they are. So many of us recall our childhoods and can point to events that broke our hearts. Little lies were planted in us leading us to believe we’re broken and lacking – and for some of us, just plain bad. We could all tell stories of a school yard bully, or a bully at home who did some damage we’re still repairing today. Jennifer and I are no exceptions, and we’re fiercely committed to defending the hearts and spirits of our little girls… to let them know they are our greatest treasures, and beyond that, they matter to this world. They have a seriously important role to play.
Usually she wants me to do our nighttime rituals, but last night, Jalen wanted her Mommy. So I sat in a chair in the corner as they read Ladybug Girl together, played ‘I got your nose’ and said a prayer. As they were winding down, Jennifer looked down at Jalen and said, “Did you know that your Mommy loves you sooo much… I’m so proud of you, and you know what, baby girl? You’ve got a good heart.’’
Jalen didn’t say a word, but her eyes said more than her little vocabulary could find words to speak. She locked eyes intensely with Jen, and smiling a sweet little smile, she sat up and wrapped her arms around her Mommy’s neck, resting in the safety and the acceptance she found there. Then, without a word, she laid her head on her pillow and closed her eyes, peace and rest taking over her tired little body.
Of course kids love to hear that they’re loved, and that we’re proud of them. But I saw something different last night. I think Jalen was responding to hearing ‘You’ve got a good heart.’ It was kinda like she needed to hear the words, to know that she is ‘good’.
I left the room thinking how true that is of me too… and today I’m wondering if you might need to hear it as well.
Friend, you’ve got a good heart; do you know it? Perfect? No. Making some bad choices, choosing the long and difficult road at times? Definitely. But at the center of it all, at the center of ‘you’ is a heart that longs to do better today than you did yesterday – and to be better today than you were yesterday.
Personally, spiritually, in your work, with your family and community… Take a moment, and give yourself credit for trying. Feel the peace of knowing that, though you’re not there yet, you’re advancing everyday. And at the center of it all is a heart that beats to be better. You will get there. With a heart like that guiding you, you will get there.
In case you need to hear it today, let me remind you… You’ve got a good heart.
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That was amazing. I actually teared up at the particular section. That was truly and wonderfully amazing. ^_^ Thank you!
If you aren’t, have you ever thought to be a minister? I can relate to much of your other comments. I was adopted and what would be abused today. Then after college, actually shunned because the RN I was living with had a 9yr old girl. They didn’t believe it was right. One thing led to another hot words of anger that shouldn’t have been said were exchanged by all of us. Dad committed suicide my mom is 91 yrs old and although she and my sister (7yrs younger, also adopted) claim to be “Born Again” ; sis hasn’t forgiven me so I can’t visit my mother My wife and daughter (I wasn’t her father but I was her Dad) were my life and after my wife died I finally saw that she’d really grown into a mom herself with”A BIG HEART”. They may not show it or tell you until later in life but keep up your good work and you and Jen will do wonderfully no matter what the world throws at us. Wow can’t believe I spill out like that thank’s brother God Bless you and your family.
Thank you for your faithfulness in writing. I don’t always get the chance to respond BUT you never know who the ‘silent’ readers are. I couldn’t contain the tears while reading this… Thank you for the encouragement.
Thank you for breaking your silence, April. You’ve put gas in my tank. It’s moments like these that keep me going. Thank you for YOUR encouragement.
We’ve really been intentional as well with Anamieke to try to make sure she hears how loved she is throughout every day… and I’ve experienced the responses like you described… where she just smiles big and plunges into my arms, squeezing as hard as she can. It just shows me that she gets it… it’s worth it. Can’t wait for our girls to get to play together!
I’m waiting for the day as well… Just hope I’m not 80 when it happens.
Those simple words, especially when they’re said by a special someone, can light up a person’s life. Apart from helping someone feel important, this words also work the other way. I’ve read this post yesterday and I didn’t comment rigt away because I wanted to spend a day looking at others through new eyes first. Everytime someone said or done something rude I kept telling to myself ‘This person has a good heart’ and it helped me not to concentrate on negative things. That’s so true – everyone needs to hear those words. So here it goes – you’ve got a good heart, Chance!
Wow, Anna-Emily. That’s just an amazing application of this idea – maybe beyond what I could do personally, if I’m honest. GOOD FOR YOU! Thank you for this insight – I’m gonna try to do the same.
Thanks once again for always engaging here. I appreciate it, and I’m learning from you.
What you’ve said I often doubt & I’m going thru some struggles right now that leave me feeling completely shattered at any random moment. I wish I was stronger than that. I’ve got boat loads of stories about being beat down in my spirit, even before I started school & then it went downhill from there. The word ‘ugly’ over my picture in yearbooks stands out more than any encouraging words someone may have tried to convince me of back then, and my current struggles bring all those past ones to the surface even more. “If only…” – got a million of those. If only I’d known it was possible that all those people were wrong. And then there are days like yesterday. Feeling too old to even want a birthday, then I open facebook to a ton of greetings that completely overwhelmed me. Even friends I’ve never “met” took a sec out of their day to stop by my teeny little page. I’ve heard ministers say things to tell yourself in the mirror each day & I couldn’t wrap my own self around the line they gave, but I think the one I’ll be saying now is “You’ve got a good heart.” Even I can believe that one!
Corey, I feel your heart in this comment. It’s beautiful, even though it hurts.
I would love nothing more than to jump in a time machine and defend the younger you. When we’re young, we have no idea how to properly deal with meanness. We don’t understand that anyone who could WANT to hurt someone must also be being hurt by someone for them to not know better. As adults, we look back and find a certain kind of compassion, but the damage is done. The seed was planted and watered by further grief and our own lies we tell ourselves. And now, we’re left with rotten fruit springing up all around us… not fully understanding how to deal with such deep rooted pain.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what they did to you – and what they said to you. Mostly, though, I’m sorry that you haven’t YET been able to let go of those labels. It’s most certainly time. As you know, those people are long gone in your lives… but you keep their wound open by retelling yourself the story, and choosing to label yourself the same way they labeled you.
YOU DO HAVE A GOOD HEART, a great heart. You can take that to the bank. You can confidently look in the mirror and tell yourself that! :) But there’s so much more to you beyond even that. The woman who wrote this comment has a thousand things that are beautiful about her. A thousand things that set her apart from the masses.
My hope and prayer for you is that this new year is THE YEAR YOU BEGIN AGAIN, the year you discover who you really are – and who you were meant to be.
Even our weakness is a gift to us and serves our true purpose… For instance, somewhere (I believe close to you, easily within your reach) there is a girl incapable of seeing beyond her physical shortcomings. She doesn’t have the wisdom you’ve acquired over your lifetime, and she hasn’t yet picked up the lies her abusers are telling her to tell them to herself.
You can save her. Maybe in a way that no one else could, you could rescue her.
THANK YOU SO MUCH for commenting. What an important perspective. What a beautiful heart.
Simple. Brilliant.
And you have no idea how much I needed to hear that today, too.
Well… this just makes it all worth it.
This is great stuff Chance. Melissa and I have grown extremely intentional in this practice with our little ones as well. We both grew up singing songs about how bad and sinful we were. It definitely affects your self-worth and even your view of others. My kids will leave their edenic world soon enough and I will once again have to remind them of who they really are and also whose they are. It won’t be easy though as we are pushing against the messages of commercialism and certain theologies. The Creator of the universe is embedded firmly into their DNA, how much more beautiful can they (I still have a hard time saying WE) get!! Beloved! Be loved! Keep spreading this hopeful message!
Beautifully felt and beautifully written, Ben. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I love your words here.
Interesting… (I still have a hard time saying WE)… I understand and identify. Why do you think that is so?
I think it must be the Edenic story playing itself out in all of us. God shows up in the cool of the day repeatedly and we meet Him there and have community. But at some point He shows up and we are missing. Where are you? Why are you hiding? Who told you you were naked? (Who said you are not worthy?) The rest of the story is a demonstration of God trying to convince us of our belovedness and “worthness”, if you will.
And yet, we are found on Sunday mornings singing of our worthlessness and in unison belting out that there is nothing good in us… and those profound Edenic questions echo again, who told you???? The world and our doctrines can so easily overwhelm the whispers of His singing over us and delighting in us. The redemptive story of all things and his relentless pursuit of us seems to shout (beautifully) a different message than that of the one we have grown so accustomed. It all comes down to worldview and our perception of the very nature of our Creator. What is His nature? How does he see us? What does he think of us? It all begins there… I think ;-)
Chance, loved your blog today, it really fits with a parenting class we are teaching at Brentwood Baptist Church. The Parent Adventure, a great book to read by the Wilsons.
I’m going to send your blog out to members of that class! Thanks, Tony
THANKS TONY! :) Will check out that book. Very much appreciate you passing on this post to the class. What a privilege for me. I hope it helps someone in some way.
Chance: Thanks for this post. What you’ve shared here has always been at the “heart” of not only my parenting (at least, it’s what I shoot for), but my business dealings and relationships in ministry.
I couldn’t agree more. And–I needed to hear you say it to me today :)
Dave
I have seen this in your work, in your family and have experienced it personally. Your heart is as good as they come, Dave. THANK YOU for your example. And thank you so much for taking the time to comment – and for being the first to do so.