At 4 and 2 years old, our girls are just catching on to the idea that we have holidays to celebrate each other. So they were eager to help their mommy plan a special Father’s Day for me, filled with “my favorite things”.
First, we watched a selection of musical numbers from Annie on Youtube – followed by pancakes for breakfast, a tea party at lunch, a dance party in the afternoon, and ice cream after dinner, (with rainbow sprinkles, of course. “My” favorite.) Though Jen tried to steer them otherwise, the girls were very confident in their gift choices for me, and could not be persuaded. Jalen chose marshmallows and Emmery chose licorice. It cracked me up to open their packages, and hear them squeal, “It’s your favorite, Daddy! I got your favorite!”. I probably haven’t eaten marshmallows or licorice in their whole lives. But I gotta admit, I’m a bit fonder of both of them now.
Over the last several days, I’ve recounted my four-year journey being Jalen and Em’s Daddy. And I can’t help but think back to another me I used to be just seven years ago. I was single with no kids, and life was awesome! I saw all the new movies and every concert that came to town. I played music at all hours without interference from the volume police. I traveled. I slept in. I had plenty of time with my friends, and a little more “me” money in my pocket.
But something was missing. I couldn’t easily name it, but it felt like I was living beneath myself somehow… like I was missing a piece of me.
For years, I thought that missing piece was my family that would someday come. But if a spouse or a child could truly complete us, wouldn’t married people stay married? Wouldn’t parents be happy and fulfilled? Wouldn’t all the single or childless people in the world be living insignificant lives? That’s certainly not the case, so it must be something deeper.
I began to understand it in new ways the day our first daughter was born. She was a gift to me… a key that unlocked perspective and wisdom I desperately needed if I was ever to become who I was meant to be. In fact, I believe it was downloaded into me the instant she wrapped her little hand around my finger. Five little words words came to my mind that had never been truer, and would change my life forever.
I’m not here for myself.
Everything I’d previously hoped to do with my life suddenly seemed far less important. Until that moment, the bulk of my attention and hopes had been focused on me. But now, there was something outside of me to hope for – someone to dream harder for than I dreamed for myself. Had you asked me the day before, I would have been sure I understood what life was really about. But there was no way to truly understand until the moment my heart changed.
Standing there in the light of the truth she delivered, my former life seemed like a shadow of who I was meant to be. A piece of me fell away to become her teacher, her protector, her father and friend. Two years later, her sister arrived and together, they’re leading their mommy and me ever deeper into selflessness.
Do parents have a corner on this market? Do they get some greater opportunity at fulfillment than the rest of the world? Absolutely not! A kid is not required. But for some of us, parenthood will lead us to one of the most important lessons we’ll ever learn.
I’m not here to attain or accomplish.
I’m not here to build a name.
I’m not here to rise to the top of my field.
I’m not here for what I can earn or have.
I’m not here for myself.
Married, single, kids, childless, old or young – this is the lesson we’re all learning. We must lose ourselves to find ourselves. If you’re struggling to find your purpose, you’ll do yourself the hugest favor to quickly and truly embrace that your answer to “Why am I here?” will never begin with
“So I can be…”
“So I can have…”
“So I can do…”
It begins with “So I can give…”
We find our purpose by laying down our self-focused hearts, minds and ambitions to offer the world what we have to give. Hopefully, you and I will accomplish amazing things in our time. But in the end, most of it won’t hold the significance we think it might. We lose ourselves to find ourselves. Our purpose and fulfillment are directly tied to how we can serve those surrounding us – and by what we’ll leave for those who come behind us.
This Post Has 21 Comments
Comments are closed.
Life changing for me is my grand daughter. I was 25 when my daughter was born and started the search for myself shortly after I divorced. I am still on the journey of who I am. I love the journey by the way. GOD along with my grand daughter has opened my eyes to so many more things than I could ever realize. Also what can I do for others…honestly years ago people would laugh if I said I am going to help others. GOD uses all types. I just found this website today and I know it is months after the original writing. Thank you. I am including you in my journey hope you enjoy it.
Penny – thank you so much for sharing part of your journey here with me… I’m so glad you stumbled on to this post, and that you took the time to comment. I hope you’ll come back and share more. I sense you’ve got quite a story to share.
It’s so interesting that I’m reading this post today. I was texting with a friend and we were discussing being responsible. That’s what you become if you’re a good parent. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it is different than what I might be if I was 39 without a 19 year old.
I might be less responsible. I might not pay bills on time or make good decisions all (if not most) of the time. I might not have vegetables in my fridge. You know. Responsible things.
And I also wouldn’t have a wonderful daughter who, even when she is away for the summer, sends me texts that say “I miss u” and where would I be then?
I’m not here for myself. What a magical bunch of words that make all the difference in the world. Thanks for the reminder.
This still comes to rest even on those of us who are grandparents. After your children are grown up- you are still a parent and possibly even a grandparent. And the thought of society is that now you can do some of the things you wanted to do without children and to have more things for self. WRONG. Plus there are others out there who God puts in one’s life to let you know it is more to give to others and love on them – then all the things one wants for self. Not to say you can have both. But the idea of self really is still there in life as long as we live. Thanks Chance this is what I pondered after reading your blog. How profound what it is we are here for- to love and worship God and love others- not just in thought but in word and deed.
Thank you very much…
Thanks, Julie. These are wise words with an insight some of us can’t have at our ages. Thank you for the gift of your experience.
Chance-
I have lately been captivated with the thought of life in context of community as HOW we ” find ourselves” and become who we are made to be. I love your point that anyone can find the significance that comes from …well- they will just have to read it to find out, right?
YES, Debbie. I agree! Until the last hundred years or so, everyone understood this so much more easily because they needed each other in order to survive – literally. They HAD to be there for each other, and to accept help from others, or the community would collapse and perish. Self sufficiency wasn’ t even an option. But with progress has come a detachment from each other that might be costing as much as it gives.
Our last child of four is now in university and we have time to reflect. I do not like the quiet … never thought I would say that. Being a parent changed me. It put things in perspective. Many things that were worthwhile learning I learned from my kids. “I’m not here for myself” – words that pretty much sum it all up. As we look outward and upward we find our purpose and the plan that God has for each of us. It is a learning curve that I am still working on but God has never let me down and has always met me right where I’m at.
I am happy to have discovered your blog. We chat every couple of years. Wondering how “Zoila” is doing ;)
The Canuck
Love your words and perspective. Thanks for taking the time to comment. :)
YES, I wonder about Zoila too! ;) Good to hear from you!! :)
Chance, this is brilliant, heartfelt and very inspiring. Three for three. I’m SO grateful for you and have been for years. Now I’m grateful for your blog. Thank you.
What do I say to this? Such amazing encouragement from the likes of you.
I look around everyday and realize I am not here for me. I also have 3 kids that have changed my life.It’s not about what profession or career we want for our lives because once we have kids or even just reach out to others we automatically take on so many of them.Our purpose unfolds and we feel the best kind of joy ever! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts I really enjoy reading them.They touch me deeply.
Wow, Debbie. Thanks so much for your encouraging words. I feel your heart through the screen.
I have a feeling that you and my wife, Jennifer, are walking similar roads right now. Certainly, there is talent and skill to do much ‘more’ than you’re doing, but you’re making a conscious choice to serve your family. I’m so thankful for all that Jen is investing in our kids. It will pay dividends literally for the rest of their lives… and you’re doing the same for your family. It’s priceless. A book you might enjoy reading is The Butterfly Effect by Andy Andrews. It’s tiny – you’ll read it very quickly – but the concept will encourage your heart. If you don’t have time to read it right now, maybe check out Youtube for “Andy Andrews Butterfly Effect”. Maybe there’s a clip of him talking through the concept. I think you’ll enjoy it. :)
Thanks for reading.
Thank you for this blog. It has come at a good time for me. I feel as though I have been running around like a chicken without a head reaching for goals, which is important, however forgetting to look at the truly important parts of my life. Keep up the good work.
I’m so glad it encouraged you. Thanks for letting me know!
…reaching for goals, which is important, however forgetting to look at the truly important parts of my life.
Yes – it’s a difficult balance.
I guess it would be a good idea to keep those five little words in mind and repeat them everytime we have a self-focused moment. It feels so good when you do something for someone else and it truly can change the ways you see this world. So thank you so much, Chance, for giving us all something to think about.
Thank YOU so much for taking the time to read and comment. We’re even. :)
What refreshing words to soak in this morning, Chance. Finding our purpose by laying down our self-focused hearts does indeed make all the difference. It’s amazing how much more fulfilled and purposeful I feel as Jesus’ hands and feet when I lay my Isaac down to pick up His cross. Blessings.
Thanks for reading, Donna. I appreciate your encouragement as well.
Chance, you continualy amaze and inspire me with your insight on “lifematters”. Thank you, once again for a truly meaningful thought about WHY we are here…with or without children. Beautiful!!
…with or without children. YES!!
“lifematters” – Great book title. :)